Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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