I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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