If i come over, it means nothing
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
