I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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