do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
