if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
