Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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