We won't sleep together?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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