I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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