I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
