I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
