i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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