I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Randomize
