Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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