I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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