Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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