Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
