I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
