The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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