Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
