I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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