Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
