Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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