Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
