One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
