i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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