Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Blow job season was short but glorious.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
