I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
