if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
