Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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