as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
