i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
