I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
