I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
