You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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