Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
