So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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