what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
