Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
