Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
