she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
