If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
