shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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