So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
