Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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