Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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