JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
