Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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