I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
