Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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